Every person lives within categories. The things they must do, the things they should do, the things they shouldn’t. Those things they wish for, those things they dread.
What they need, what they desire.
It’s hard when those categories shift on you, pouring your life into chaos. Suddenly you realize that a long pursued dream has become something you are pursuing just because you should.
Or maybe its not sudden. Maybe the realization sneaks up on you so slowly you can’t be sure its true. You can’t even be sure it’s a realization, can’t tell if the dread in the pit of your stomach is because you’re forcing yourself or because you just didn’t sleep well.
Pretty soon the guilt and the confusion crowd out any idea of desire or dream. The categories narrow to should and shouldn’t, and the only peace to be found is in silence and sleep. Consciousness itself becomes torture.
Some days are bad days.